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Melody's First Day by ~Seeker-Mar:iconSeeker-Mar:



"Forever is a long time."   Melody mused as she drifted in a peaceful trance.   "My new home," she thought with a smile.  "The universe."

Mel decided that Heaven was pretty much the way the book had said it would be.  In some ways it was organic.  "Like my new body."  She thought as she squeezed the very real flesh and bone of her arm.    

"And yet, I really could have never imagined this."  She murmured as she waved her hand toward the giant gas planet that hung in the sky above her.

Mel glanced down.  She felt the urge to admire her perfect body again.  "I may be shallow," she thought.  "But it's nice to no longer have the hugest hips in all creation."  

Then there was the humming.  "Well sort of like humming."  She thought.  "That's really the only words I have to describe it.  It's like my body is full of energy that never seems to end.  Like that feeling when you've been riding a bike for awhile and suddenly you're just in a zone.  You feel like you could pedal forever and never get tired."

She wondered over the other changes as well.   Her old soccer injury no longer plagued her right knee.  Then there were the really big differences.  The mental changes.  The anxiety that had always pricked the back of her mind was now replaced with a constant joy.  

"It sort of feels like...hum.  Like I'm always just finishing a passionate kiss."  She smiled at the thought.  It was so much more than she had ever imagined yet somehow not overwhelming.

How could she have anticipated the way the very universe would bend to her will in an instance?  The way the very fabric of space itself would move to answer every desire of her now pure heart.

Currently, she was lingering on the moon Ganymede.  "What an amazing view of Jupiter."  She thought idly.  She had to laugh as the old human memory of amazement overtook her.  

Suddenly, she remembered that someone was missing.  Her eyes quickly filled with tears as she looked down and he was there.  Her companion cocked his head and looked at her.  Was it her imagination or did his expression imply that it was about time she remembered him?

His gray and white fur was covered in the ice shavings that served as snow on the large moon.   "We should be frozen."  She thought idly.  Then she laughed.  Joy bubbled up so easily now.

She bent down and immediately the huge husky rolled over to expose his stomach. Mel sat on the cold, rough surface.  It somehow felt as comfortable as the grass on a warm Spring day.  She rubbed Morley's tummy vigorously and then wrestled with him a little bit.

"Ah, Morely"  She sighed.  "I missed you so much.  What were you doing all these years while you waited for me?"  Morley rolled, stood up and shook snow all over them.  He looked at her with his icy blue eyes.  "Woof!"  He replied.

"Hum," she thought.  "Guess I still don't speak dog."  But that was okay.  It was a good thing.  Something familiar to balance the fantastical that was now such a normal part of her life.  Well, not life exactly.  Her forever.  "Wow!"  she thought.  She wondered if this feeling of exhilaration would ever ebb.  

"It's sort of like an incredible dream.  Isn't it Morley?"  She said.  "But not exactly like a dream because there is no fear attached to the exhilaration."  

Morley started bouncing around.  "Okay," she said while standing up.  "Come on, boy!  Let's run!"  

As they ran together Mel looked down and laughed again.  Morely still had the goofy habit of lolling his tongue out and looking at her while he ran.  "All right, Morely!"  She yelled while still laughing.  "Let's find out how long it takes to run around the largest moon in the solar system!"
Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:iconseeker-mar:

Author's Comments

Hi, This submission is for another workshop on :iconwriters-workshop:. This workshop is called, "Seeing is Believing" and is being hosted by :iconqueen-of-marigold:.

My assignment was to "be convincing. Pick a scenario that your reader could not possibly have experienced, and make them believe that it is unfolding before them. All prose fiction is fair game here, Don't just write a panoramic description, but create characters and a setting and a sliver of plot. Reveal just as much as you must to make your reader believe, if not that they are living the situation themselves, then at least that you have lived it yourself. Consider how much you can tell without it being too much. Make your reader see and they will believe you."

Anyway, please let me know what you think!

And as always this is my writing. Do not steal it! Thanks!

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconhalatia:
I really liked the concept. But I found this extremely confusing.

Where are they exactly? I mean, there were actual locations given like Jupiter, etc, and Heaven, but I never had a good feel for what in the world was going on or why they would be there. Had she died? Was she really dreaming?

I think it could benefit from a lot more description. Dropping the word "heaven" is really difficult, because so many people have so many concepts of what that might be. I find it essential, then, that the surroundings are really well described. The sound was there, but what about the other senses? Sight, touch, taste?

I like that the dog couldn't speak--the narrator is right, it is a good balance.

As far as grammar goes, check out this website [link] for the proper way to punctuate dialogue. I also think that if something is being thought, it should be in italics and not in quotation marks, but that is a personal preference.

Good concept!

--
Anyone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back.
~ Captain Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly
:iconseeker-mar:
Thanks so much for your detailed and thoughtful comment. Thanks also for the link. Punctuation makes me crazy. I wrote this piece for the workshop really quickly and if I ever decide to do more with the idea I will have to devote more time to editing and improving it.

I appreciate your point about senses. I have been trying to make my longer pieces feel more alive in this way.

I was trying for an ethereal feeling to this submission but maybe it just came out confusing. :-)

Thanks again!

--
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure and full of quiet gentleness. Then it is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others; it is full of mercy and good deeds. James 3:17
:iconhalatia:
You're very welcome. I think with the addition of senses, you could be very ethereal which would be sweet.

--
Anyone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back.
~ Captain Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly
:iconqueen-of-marigold:
Oh, Halatia. Beating me to the punch again. That will serve me for leaving this so long! :P

Adding information from her other senses is one way to expand the piece a little, since it revolves around the setting and not the action it would be nice to know more about it. That said, perhaps a little more character or a little more plot could work just as well. Expanding the piece would make it feel more complete, rather than just a glance :)

And thank you for entering this workshop, if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask me! :hug:

--
"Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world." -- Tennyson
:iconseeker-mar:
Thanks for the comment and thanks for hosting the workshop.:-)

It's funny because I had someone e-mail me and tell me that she doesn't agree with any of Halatia's comments and thinks it should be left the way it is. So much of critique is personal preference. I just appreciate any critique where people take the time to actually read my writing. :hug:

--
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure and full of quiet gentleness. Then it is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others; it is full of mercy and good deeds. James 3:17
:icondarn-im-frustrated:
woah that's awesome!!

It kinda reminded me (although it obviously didn't remind me but i dont know what other word i could use) of what heaven might be. Happy allknowing and have the universe as a playhouse.

very good :D

--
Click me: [link]
Or me:[link]
Oh OH CLICK ME: [link]
:iconseeker-mar:
:heart: Thanks so much! :heart:
That's exactly what I was going for so I'm so glad you felt that way when reading it!
:hug:

--
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure and full of quiet gentleness. Then it is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others; it is full of mercy and good deeds. James 3:17
:iconmisssunflower:
hah that's so cool! I love all the interesting descriptions, eg the bit about the joy feeling like she'd just finished kissing, very nice! :D you certainly made it feel believable by keeping it real, thinking the thoughts the character would really be likely to feel and not getting too poetical, and I love the last line :)

--
"Deep in their roots, all flowers keep the light." ~Theodore Roethke

1 comment is worth 1000 'thanx 4 the fav's'

"Sit in a theatre, to see
A play of hopes and fears,
While the orchestra breathes fitfully
The music of the spheres." E.A. Poe
:icongelae:
Oh hey. Wow. Mission accomplished, I believe.

I like how it has this believable unbelievable fuzzy feeling... I can just about feel what she's feeling.

Yet there's a creepiness in there somewhere. Maybe it's because there's a mention of "the book" but its not mentioned in the Christian "the Book" way, and everything is presented as being perfect and she'll be happy forever.

Just the fact that you say "the book" makes me feel like she's on some sort of permanent mental vacation that maybe involves virtual reality, and the program or organization that does it is called Heaven.

If that isn't what you intended, I'm so going to write a book about that.

... that's just what I think anyway :) I like this though.

--
#Apophysis
I'm in ur devarts, reporting ur violations.
If you didn't make it, why the fffffff did you upload it?!

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